There’s an old Hefner song called Alan Bean, named after the fourth man on the moon. It always got to me, because Alan Bean went to space, saw the earth spinning away beneath him, and knew what he wanted to be. “Gonna be a painter all my life,” sings Hayman, as Bean.

It almost feels a throwaway line, but it is the heart of the song.

I’ve never been to space, but I feel like I’m still awaiting that eureka moment of understanding what it is I should be doing. This year, I have been throwing lots of harpoons into the sea, like the harpoon of my solo album, and the twin-pronged harpoons of sketch and stand up comedy.

I’ve found the craft of writing, producing and performing these harpoons very satisfying, and people have said nice things about the craftsmanship of these creative darts. But ultimately, I haven’t hit any whales, and without hitting a whale, I can’t sell its blubber for oil and cosmetics.

But this is all I want to do. I want to write, and perform, and sing, and create stuff of value. I don’t expect ever to make a living out of it, or even what that means; and I think I am okay with that.

Today I went on a Twitch stream hosted by the comedy legend John Dredge. And he introduced me as a comedian and musician.

And you know, for the first time I felt comfortable being introduced in those kind of terms.

Alan Bean died a couple of years ago. And I think I’m going to be a writer all my life.